Oct 25, 2011

Yesterday was a specially difficult day. As I lay there in the bed getting the chemo, I couldn't help but think of all of my "Sisters in the fight" who have finished the fight & gone on "home". This past weekend my dear friend Cindy died. I met her while in Israel this past summer. She was from Texas too & we instantly hit it off. After returning home, she & I kept in close contact encouraging each other & praying for each other. We shared ideas on treatments, how to cope with the side effects that were so debilitating, & how to discuss things with our doctors and friends. We could talk to each other & share things that we couldn't share with others. She was SO very encouraging to me & I had looked forward to seeing her when I went to TX for my new treatment come January. I must admit I was devastated when I got the news in the early hours of Sunday morning. I still keep crying because of my selfishness to have her still here. She is no longer in pain, no longer suffering & in the arms of our Savior. While laying there barely able to contain sorrow, I also began to think of all the others who have gone on ahead of me...Holly, Denise, Cindy M, Cindy L., Cindy B., Jennifer K, Jenn A, Loraine, Robin, and all of the others....too many to list. Oh how I miss them. Many of them, their cell phone #s still plugged into mine, just because I don't want to forget. I think that is my fear, I do not want to forget them! And in turn, I don't want people to forget me. But isn't that what makes us fear death the most, is that we will be forgotten? I mean don't get me wrong, I DO NOT fear death, I know where I am going & quite frankly am VERY happy to get there! But in my "human" mind, I think that I just don't want to be forgotten. No, I've not done much in this life that I can be remembered for. But I do have 5 wonderful boys & I hope that should God choose NOT to heal me that my boys will always remember me. Silly, huh?
In my sorrow though, the Lord brought to my mind a verse. Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble, and He knoweth them that trust in Him". Ya know, I have Faith that He will see me thru to the end. He knows me. And my boys know my faith in Him. I guess if I can be remembered for anything, that is the highest honor I can think of.

I have started a video diary of my journey from this point on. I am excited to start putting it together. I may try to post bits & pieces here & there. Sometimes it's easier to "SEE" what someone is going thru, than to just READ about it. We'll see ;)