Jersey Mike's Fundraiser....

WOW, last night's Fundraiser at Jersey Mike's was so much fun! The amount raised last night was....drum roll please...........over $500.00!!!! YEEHAW!!!! Thank you SO much to everyone who came out & helped make last night a success!! Thank you Staff of Jersey Mike's for ALL the hard work you guys put in last night & all the hard word you've put in to make this fundraiser happen! Thank you everyone who spread the word about the event! Now on to Sunday's event, it is going to be AWESOME! This Sunday (the 6th), the same Jersey Mike's is having a donation day event. From NOON-to-4, any donation of $1.00 or more will get you a FREE sub!!! Yes, that's right, a FREE sub! These guys are giving me ALL of the donated $$ & giving you FREE subs. The local news station will be covering the event. Jersey Mike's will have a bouncy house & face painting for the kids too that day, so come out after Church & bring the family because it is going to be a blast!! It is only 2 months until I leave for the new treatment & I am getting more excited and more nervous. Oh the thoughts of "living" again....honestly, I wish that everyone could really understand what that means to me. Imagine living every day of your life knowing that you are on borrowed time. You should by all intents be dead. You have children who cry almost every day, asking you if "you will be alive at Christmas or if you will be alive at their birthday because they don't want to celebrate if you are going to be dead." You try your best not to think about it, but you know that you actually may Not be there for Christmas, you may Not be there for their birthday. You know that in planning for next year, you have to make contingency plans for if You are not going to be around. And it's a stretch to even consider thinking of graduation for the oldest which is only 2 years away. You look at your children each day & yearn to be able to watch them grow up. You try to imagine what they will look like when they are adults because you know that you will not see that. You wonder about the woman who will take your place. Will she cook better that you, will your husband love her more than he loved you. Will she love your children as much as you do. Is she pretty, is she nice, is she like me? But then an opportunity comes along in a treatment that may save your life. This treatment is incredibly expensive...much more than you can ever possibly afford. BUT it might save your life. The thoughts of seeing your children graduate flood your mind....being able to watch them grow up....being there to watch them marry & to love the one they choose (that you've been praying for ever since your child was born)...to hold your grandchildren...to grow old with your spouse. Can it be you? Everyone else around you has those chances & think nothing of them, but you...you don't and oh how you would give the world to have them. Financially, it is out of reach. Do you try anyway? Do you give the world to get this treatment? OF COURSE YOU DO! Truly words can NOT express what it means to me to have the chance to LIVE again instead of just Fighting for my Life! How wonderfully blessed I have been to have been able to live this long when my prognosis was so grim. God has been so merciful to me, as undeserving as I am. And what a blessing He has given me with this opportunity to go to the clinic in TX. It is my wish that you could FEEL, just for a moment, the emotional blessing of this all. Thank you SO very much for helping to fulfill this blessing by helping me get there!! Thank you for helping to save my life!

Oct 25, 2011

Yesterday was a specially difficult day. As I lay there in the bed getting the chemo, I couldn't help but think of all of my "Sisters in the fight" who have finished the fight & gone on "home". This past weekend my dear friend Cindy died. I met her while in Israel this past summer. She was from Texas too & we instantly hit it off. After returning home, she & I kept in close contact encouraging each other & praying for each other. We shared ideas on treatments, how to cope with the side effects that were so debilitating, & how to discuss things with our doctors and friends. We could talk to each other & share things that we couldn't share with others. She was SO very encouraging to me & I had looked forward to seeing her when I went to TX for my new treatment come January. I must admit I was devastated when I got the news in the early hours of Sunday morning. I still keep crying because of my selfishness to have her still here. She is no longer in pain, no longer suffering & in the arms of our Savior. While laying there barely able to contain sorrow, I also began to think of all the others who have gone on ahead of me...Holly, Denise, Cindy M, Cindy L., Cindy B., Jennifer K, Jenn A, Loraine, Robin, and all of the others....too many to list. Oh how I miss them. Many of them, their cell phone #s still plugged into mine, just because I don't want to forget. I think that is my fear, I do not want to forget them! And in turn, I don't want people to forget me. But isn't that what makes us fear death the most, is that we will be forgotten? I mean don't get me wrong, I DO NOT fear death, I know where I am going & quite frankly am VERY happy to get there! But in my "human" mind, I think that I just don't want to be forgotten. No, I've not done much in this life that I can be remembered for. But I do have 5 wonderful boys & I hope that should God choose NOT to heal me that my boys will always remember me. Silly, huh?
In my sorrow though, the Lord brought to my mind a verse. Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble, and He knoweth them that trust in Him". Ya know, I have Faith that He will see me thru to the end. He knows me. And my boys know my faith in Him. I guess if I can be remembered for anything, that is the highest honor I can think of.

I have started a video diary of my journey from this point on. I am excited to start putting it together. I may try to post bits & pieces here & there. Sometimes it's easier to "SEE" what someone is going thru, than to just READ about it. We'll see ;)

Oct 18, 2011

Another Monday, Another Chemo treatment. I saw the Doctor again today for a follow up on the neuropathy in my feet & more blood work to keep tabs on the Blood Ct. All went well. The blood work is good today...yippy. And my feet are doing better. Though they are still numb-ish, the pain in them has greatly diminished. And it is very nice Not to feel as if my feet have been set in cement blocks. Because of the severe neuropathy & my inability to recoop after each treatment giving in to the weakness that overwhelms me, my Doctor has decided not ONLY to reduce my dosage of chemo by 25% she has decided to let me have TWO weeks off in between each round of chemo. So now I have 3 weeks on & 2 weeks off....WOOHOO!!! My only draw back is this new schedule is it pushing me to get my chemo all the way up to time to leave to go to the clinic in TX. I had hoped to have had enough strength & energy to make it TO the treatment & THRU the treatment. But oh well, God will see me thru!!!
"The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." Habakkuk 3:19

Scan Results 10/10/11

RESULTS FROM LATEST SCANS:
Bone tumors are all stable!
Liver tumors are all stable!
"spot" on lung completely gone, must have been from the pneumonia that I've fought for the past several months!
The Neuropathy in my feet is severe (I can not really feel my feet except for bad pain) plus the trouble keeping my blood work stable led my Oncologists to cut the dosage of my CHEMO by 1/4. But I was on the highest possible dose anyway. So, YEEHAW!! Praise The Lord!! "Nothing is impossible with God"

OCT 2, 2011...

It is such a beautiful crisp fall day today. I was able to see Will, Ty, & Calvin's football games yesterday and really enjoyed the time with the kids. I even made a plate slop'n good dinner last night. Unfortunately I didn't have the strength to eat any of it. Will & Ty both had make up football games today & I lacked the strength to even stand. I've not been able to spend much time out of bed today so far from sheer lack of strength. I am so tired. And I'm so tired of always being so tired. Ugh!! When will I ever feel better?! I want to enjoy my children! I want to hang out with my husband! Lord, you know my weaknesses. I lay them in Your hands. I can not do this on my own. I trust that You will carry me now that I'm took weak to move. Thank You for another day. Please renew my strength. All Glory, Honor & Praise be to our God!

Sept 29, 2011

God's Grace is enough.
Yesterday was probably the worst day I have experienced physically, though not pain wise. I don't know what was going on other than it seems to be getting more & more difficult to come back after each treatment and I seem to stay down longer & longer. Well, yesterday I woke up and didn't even have the strength to get out of bed. Literally I couldn't move. I was fevering all day, chills, nausea, vomitting, the works. It was aweful! But worst of all, it was on Calvin's birthday. So not only was I so sick that I really didn't see where I was ever going to come back from it, I couldn't function to even make the day special for a special little boy! Honestly, I didn't feel as if I would be able to come back from it yesterday, I really thought I had given my all & that was all there was. I started praying asking God for strength to make it just one more day. Then I sent out messages for others to pray (fb). I fought for a long time, then yielded to His peace. He not only gave me peace yesterday, but even orchestrated a birthday surprise for my baby Calvin! How awesome is our God?! Thru the kindness of fellow Christians, Calvin had his best bday yet & though I was too weak to participate, I got to see his wonderful smile & hear his excited squeals. Oh how much that touches a mother's heart!!!
Last night was probably the best night's rest I have gotten in a long while. I slept so soundly & when I woke this morning and thanked God for another day I felt as if I could face another day. It can blow your mind sometimes if you think about possibly not seeing tomorrow. What would you do if you knew that you wouldn't see tomorrow? I am holding on as hard as I can until January so that I can get the new treatment! I know that I will not be able to continue on this course of treatment for much longer, I just physically can not handle it. I guess I am not as strong as I thought. In any case, I just have to hold out until January. Please keep me in your prayers that I can physically make it until January & that I raise enough money to go. I can not thank you enough for all your prayers & support!!!

The Little Things....

It's The Little Things... The past 3 days have been pretty rough: Nausea, fatigue, overwhelming pain. I have gotten almost nothing accomplished around the house. I think for me the mental is harder than the physical because I feel SOOO inadequate when I am unable to perform even the littlest of motherly duties. Today wasn't any better than the previous 2 days, in fact the pain was even more intense today. When I was finally able to pick myself up & throw on some clothes, I headed out to the boys' soccer game making a stop at the bank to deposit some candy bar money. When I walked thru the front door, one of the tellers was open & she was standing there with a smile. The kind of smile that just makes ya feel good. So I go to her booth to do my business. As if knowing the pain I've been going thru the past few days, she almost lovingly offers me a sucker to "make me feel better". For an instant I was a child again. I know my face lit up & my whole world seem to brighten. As simple as a little sucker is, that just seemed to make my day!!! Thank you Lord for the little things!!!

WHY?

Hm.. After 4 ½ years, I have so many questions still. Why, at the young age of 37, did I have to be the next in line for the “Death scroll”? Why does a United States Veteran have to endure such immense physical & emotional pain on a daily basis? Why does a mother of 5 young boys have to literally pick herself up each morning to face the day and have to make the decision of whether or not to make it thru just one more day? So many questions, yet I don't question you Lord.

It's not at all funny that after 4 ½ years, I cry more yet have less tears to shed. I have come so far after being told I couldn't yet all I have the strength left to do is to just watch the last bit of life waste away from me. I cry all of the time now, for the boys, for the sorry life that I have to offer, for not being able to meet even their basic needs. They deserve so much more than what I can give! If I could, I would chose a perfect replacement for them. A tall, strong, Christian woman who will love their Daddy & love them. She will not worry about a career, but only for how she can serve them. Where is she? Doesn't she know that I can not rest until I know who she is? Why can't I know what will happen 6 months from now....a year from now?

I have waited for 4 ½ years for an oportunity like this, and now that I have this chance I am too weak to see it thru to fruition. Dr Burzynski's Clinic in Houston called yesterday & approved me for treatment. This should be my shining hour. This is the last leg of the marathon & I am completely out of steam. I should be gearing up for my final lap of victory but I do not even have the strength to stand anymore. Yes, I will get up in the morning and take the kids to church in the morning. But I will be too weak to return tomorrow night. Then I'll get up on Monday & take them to school but barely have the strength to drive out to Duke for my weekly chemo.

In the past 4 ½ years, I have relied on God to see me thru. He is the Only One who can see me thru from here on out. Please Lord, give me the strength to stand. Help me to be a good mom. Help me to have the strength to make it thru the next few months. Oh how I long to be a normal person again. I want to have the strength to stay out of bed for more than just a few hours at a time. I want to be able to cook dinner and then to have the energy to actually eat with my family afterwards. I want my hair back, I want to look like a girl again. I want to NOT be the first in bed every night. PLEASE give me the strength to last.....