Hm.. After 4 ½ years, I have so many questions still. Why, at the young age of 37, did I have to be the next in line for the “Death scroll”? Why does a United States Veteran have to endure such immense physical & emotional pain on a daily basis? Why does a mother of 5 young boys have to literally pick herself up each morning to face the day and have to make the decision of whether or not to make it thru just one more day? So many questions, yet I don't question you Lord.
It's not at all funny that after 4 ½ years, I cry more yet have less tears to shed. I have come so far after being told I couldn't yet all I have the strength left to do is to just watch the last bit of life waste away from me. I cry all of the time now, for the boys, for the sorry life that I have to offer, for not being able to meet even their basic needs. They deserve so much more than what I can give! If I could, I would chose a perfect replacement for them. A tall, strong, Christian woman who will love their Daddy & love them. She will not worry about a career, but only for how she can serve them. Where is she? Doesn't she know that I can not rest until I know who she is? Why can't I know what will happen 6 months from now....a year from now?
I have waited for 4 ½ years for an oportunity like this, and now that I have this chance I am too weak to see it thru to fruition. Dr Burzynski's Clinic in Houston called yesterday & approved me for treatment. This should be my shining hour. This is the last leg of the marathon & I am completely out of steam. I should be gearing up for my final lap of victory but I do not even have the strength to stand anymore. Yes, I will get up in the morning and take the kids to church in the morning. But I will be too weak to return tomorrow night. Then I'll get up on Monday & take them to school but barely have the strength to drive out to Duke for my weekly chemo.
In the past 4 ½ years, I have relied on God to see me thru. He is the Only One who can see me thru from here on out. Please Lord, give me the strength to stand. Help me to be a good mom. Help me to have the strength to make it thru the next few months. Oh how I long to be a normal person again. I want to have the strength to stay out of bed for more than just a few hours at a time. I want to be able to cook dinner and then to have the energy to actually eat with my family afterwards. I want my hair back, I want to look like a girl again. I want to NOT be the first in bed every night. PLEASE give me the strength to last.....
